Green Stockings

He ripped my stockings on the train—that’s how we met…

Ch 1.

It was one of those mornings where you felt full of energy, though you didn’t know why. I had been up all night, nibbling on almonds by my bedside.

I had a dream, I was on the green with my brother, who just kept yelling, “Birdie!” I wanted to talk to him but I couldn’t seem to make a peep.

At least the sun was shining, a beautiful fall day. The train would be a quick ride and I was eager to see the rainbow-painted leaves in the park before they fell.

Dressed in my favorite cobalt blue dress and chunky jewelry, I decided last minute to pull on stockings and bring my cherry peacoat knowing it might be chilly.

I was headed to the Upper West Side to visit my aunty, a woman well known for her healing counsel, people traveled great distances to sit in her tea room.

I knew Aunty was in high demand, so I only asked for her time when I felt life was managing me rather than the other way around.

I had been feeling like the walls were closing in, the mean voices in my head had been loud lately in their review of my ‘screw ups.’

My parents weren’t really around; they had me later in life and seemed like shells of human beings. I called them the “uh-huh” people.

They lived rent-controlled in a filthy apartment, too afraid to ever make a move. It was like they had become inert, blending in with their olive-colored furniture.

Thank the heavens for my aunty; without her, I would feel alone in this city. All you need is that one solid person to survive, I told myself, and I had that much.

Aunty was incredibly easy to be with, no grilling questions. You just sat and listened to her thought trains, hearing just what you needed.

Knowing I was going to be with her this weekend was what had gotten me through the week; I knew she would help me sort this out, there had to be a way.

I got on the train and was happy to grab a seat to rest; the walk had taken more out of me than I was used to, it was strange how drained of energy I felt.

I folded my coat on my lap and sighed as I noticed my un-manicured nails. Luckily, my aunty wasn’t someone who would notice.

The train bobbed along the tracks; like a boat, we all swayed in unison. Suddenly a blur of army green swooshed by, inadvertently ripping my stocking!

“I’m caught,” I said out loud, everyone looked as the green blur of a man paused and came into focus; my coat had flung onto the ground, kneeling he scooped it up.

My stocking had gotten caught by the zipper of his green duffle bag, with a giant “JUDD” sharpied on it. “Please forgive me,” he said looking up from his knee.

“Of course,” I managed, feeling as if the whole world had just been forgiven through his asking, his honey-green eyes were locked on me.

I looked up noticing everyone still watching and immediately turned the color of my peacoat, now I wanted to blend into the walls!

Maybe I was more like my parents than I realized. Ha! Not helpful voices! I thought, bursting out in an uncomfortable giggle.

This response seemed to ease the other passengers enough for them return to their ride. I turned back to the honey-green eyes watching me with concern.

“It really is more than okay; I’m just annoyed I threw my coat on the ground,” I said honestly. “I really am not attached to the stockings.”

“Not as attached as my duffle is, anyway,” he softly shrugged, and we chuckled. He bit his lower lip, still on one knee, the way he looked at me, it was like he was remembering me.

I felt as if my breath had gotten vacuumed out of my chest, for a moment time paused and it was just us two, locked and loaded, my heart wanted to pound out of my chest.

Could he hear it pounding? “Can I fix this?” He asked as his finger tips flipped open a small pocket knife, I managed to nod yes, he gently cut through the pulled stocking.

Goosebumps ran up my leg as the tug of my stocking was enough to awaken everything that had been sleeping in me, we stood up in unison- he from his knee and I from my seat.

The boat rocked on the tracks and he steadied me with his hand. “Let’s sit,” he suggested, guiding me back to my seat and sitting next to me, pulling his bags from the aisle.

We sat there bobbing and weaving together with all the other passengers, as if nothing great had just happened, yet I felt the entire world had just shifted.

I could somehow feel the powerful pulse of the universe sitting shoulder to shoulder this a stranger, I felt like he had seen all of me in that one look, and I wondered what he thought.

It was as if our breaths had synced up, I thought for sure our hearts were beating together now, I had never been so moved by another human before.

I was sure I was sitting next to Superman, undercover, of course. It was as if he had revealed himself, and now I was just playing it cool in public.

I begged the mean voices not to mess with me; this man was in uniform, and I certainly couldn’t handle anything militant in my life. “Why military?” I asked silently.

I figured he must be traveling on assignment, so if this was my only chance to be near him, I wanted to soak in ever moment and remember it clearly.

I felt incredibly aware of my every move, I felt like I didn’t know what to do with my eyes all of a sudden as I found myself staring at his big beautiful hand resting on his knee.

When did I get this awkward? I heard the thought come through and shook it out of my head. I wanted to just climb on his lamp and curl up like a kitten.

I tried to relax and enjoy the moment; life is complicated, and he would never understand my situation, I told myself.

“Three more stops, going to my aunt’s place,” I offered, breaking the silence. I sounded out of breath. “Could I walk you?” He asked sincerely. I nodded yes.

At the third stop, he stood, he swung a pack on his back, scooped up his duffle and reached out his hand for mine. I could feel the pulse in my neck rushing.

A woman on the train, who had witnessed the whole exchange, noticed we were leaving together and winked at me over her newspaper as we stepped off the train.

Was she in on this? I wondered silently. Suddenly, I felt overwhelmed by the brightness and intensity of the scene change stepping off the train.

Sweating profusely, I became uncomfortably aware of my hand in his. I was loopy. He slowed his stride noticing my struggle.

“How far of a walk do you have? We could sit for a minute while you get your sea legs.” He offered sweetly, he shone talking to me like a bronze statue.

There he was, carrying these giant bags, wearing a full jumpsuit, with not one bead of sweat on his brow. Not real- I thought.

I felt myself wanting to come clean right then and there, that way he could stop wasting his time and get on with his travel.

We parted hands as we walked the stairs from the train station, we then were swept up in the flood of pedestrians and spit out on the sidewalk.

“You don’t have to walk me,” I cringed as I said it, sounding so dismissive. “There’s nothing I’d rather do more than walk with you right now,” he responded.

Why would I make him think I didn’t want him to walk me? How self-deprecating. Pushing him away already- am I really my mother?

“So,” he said, “So, I’m Estella,” I answered, as I motioned the direction we needed to walk, feeling grateful I had remembered my own name.

“Estella means ‘star’ in Latin.” I added. “My father named me, he is a Dickens fan, his favorite character in Great Expectations was named Estella.”

“Estella, Estella,” he rolled my name around in his mouth, so sensually, I struggled to keep it together. “I love it. I’m sure I will never meet another.”

“I’m Davien, at your service,” he bowed. “Most people call me DJ.” I had noticed “Judd” on his bag, so this all checked out.

“Could I ask if I am stepping on any toes walking you?” He asked, I assumed he was implying there was a man in my life.

Feeling my head shake “no,” shame washed over me. I was spoiled goods, according to the mean voices in my head.

It couldn’t be him, I told the voices, so they would back off. He’s military, so he’s already married to the government, and she’s one controlling broad, to say the least.

The walk to aunty’s stoop flew by; I didn’t remember even taking a step. Suddenly, I felt scared it was all over.

“This is my aunt’s place,” I said motioning up to the beautiful brownstone. “Would you like me to wait for you? It is the lease I could do.” He half shrugged.

Why did I feel like I wanted him to always be there next to me, green and all? I was not ready to watch him walk away, that I was sure of.

It felt like we were going through something together, and it had only just begun. I told myself to be brave and I counted to three in my head.

“Would you like to come up with me? My aunty loves visitors and she makes the most incredible cup of tea.”

He looked surprised by my offer, I could tell he was thinking as he set his duffle down. I tried not to look surprised by my offer either, we both stood there, two scared kids.

Ch.2

We entered the building as if on a mission, marching up the creaking wooden steps. Did he look like this everywhere he went? Giant and gorgeous?

Before I could land a knock on the door, it swung it open with a cheerful, “Welcome, you two!” It was as if she has been expecting him to be with me, no questions asked.

Looking soft and fabulous in her flowered velveteen shawl, we followed the crochet pansies and violets through the tassels to her tea room.

His bags towered next to her antique loveseat, where he sat looking like the superhero he was. He had taken five minutes to untie his boots and leave them at the door.

Aunty poured her famous sweet tea with home-brewed kombucha, “Bubbly tea,” she said, filling up two crystal glasses.

“How lovely to have you both here on this beautiful fall afternoon! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and now I have you here- how lucky am I?”

With each sip of her tea, I felt myself grounding, but I realized I couldn’t tell her why I came, suddenly wanting her to myself.

“Where is Honey?” I asked, looking for her little dog who was always under her feet. “Honey flew the coop, my love; her work here was done.”

Before I could empathize, she continued, “Something new and beautiful is growing, can you feel it?” She looked at me gently.

“Time will tell how this beauty will express itself. The blessing can come with little effort, or you could put in a lot of effort, the choice is always yours; of course.”

“Know that that blessing will find its way, either way; so work less, worry less and breathe more, yah? Even now, you are both holding your breath!”

“Breathe, child,” she nudged my foot as I realized she was right, I was literally holding my breath.

“Not good to sit around in hang-time, better to have something coming, don’t you think?” She smirked at us both.

Davien smiled at me, squinting his eyes to his checks, as if to say he agreed. “Every breath is a blessing, and you breath all day long, so many blessings!” She continued.

She pretended to shrug all casually, as if she had no idea what she was saying, though I knew each word was carefully being crafted.

I could see as she plucked the words from the ether, forming them between us. “Have some more bubbles,” she said as she motioned up with her hand.

We both sipped our tea, and for the first time in days, my stomach felt settled. I was thankful for the reprieve from feeling so depleted.

“Today we honor your young bodies for all they have done for you and for all they will continue to do and we thank the Mother Gaia for nursing us on her fertile lands.”

“We ask that our bodies find peace and comfort in their connection together, and that we feel the knowing in our arriving in this time and place, together.”

I glanced over at Davien, he was locked onto her, I could see her fixing something in him right before my eyes. Fix me, I thought.

“You know bodies aren’t meant to be alone,” she casually said, walking to the windowsill where her tuxedo cat, Mr. Mistoffelees, was curled.

“I suppose you could always get a kitten,” she said in a baby voice, addressing the cat,  scratching his handsome chin.

A bell chimed from the kitchen, and she vanished with it. I looked at Davien and smiled uncomfortably, I felt like she was telling him everything.

I hugged my dirty peacoat for a moment, seeking some comfort in the hold. She was right; all my body wanted was to be touched, held.

I noticed his hands again as he rolled the crystal glass between his palms, leaning on his knees. Lucky glass, I thought.

“Something sweet for you sweeties in the kitchen,” aunty called. “Shall we?” Davien said standing, offering his hand as I stood up.

With the touch of his fingers, my head immediately popped back up in the clouds and it was like I was unsure how to walk to the kitchen.

His energy was like a magnet, I had to keep myself from literally just pulling right into him, there was this forcefield, alive and pulsing between us.

The smell of cinnamon made my stomach growl- finally, something my body wanted: aunty’s famous sourdough snickerdoodle cookies.

“Okay, this is officially heaven. Thank you so much Aunty,” I said, kissing her on the cheek. I knew she had made my favorite dough a day ahead, I felt the love.

I could feel the angels brewing as we all comfortably shared cookies and milk over her lemon print table cloth, she had put cinnamon in the milk too.

Aunty looked at me and with a sparkle in her eye said “I knew you still believed.” I felt my brow furrow in question, I did believe, didn’t I?

Believe what? That we aren’t all crazy and that everything is always working out for us even when it all seems to be falling apart?

I believed that I couldn’t be afraid of everything, that wasn’t possible, so maybe I could just be okay with being in this one beautiful moment.

Maybe I could actually allow myself to feel the love across the table from me and believe that I was worthy of it, that I was attracting this greatness.

I felt myself, feel myself for the first time in a while, I had forgotten where to find her, I rested my hand on my warm dough filled belly and signed.

“Now that was a fat and happy sigh, if I’ve ever heard one,” aunty said, breaking our cookie daydream, Davien and I both found laughter in each others eyes.

I laughed until tears ran down my cheeks, the last time I had laughed like this it was with my brother, the thought pained me.

“Are you handy sweet boy?” Aunty asked Davien, she pointing to the dripping faucet. “Yes Ma’am. Mechanical engineer at your service,” he replied.

With half a cookie held gently in his beautiful mouth, Davien inspected the sink. I had never seen a man look more beautiful than this man, in this kitchen, with that cookie.

Aunty caught me watching him and gave me a wink, my second wink of the day, what are they up to? I wondered.

If only I could be more like this woman, I wondered if she had ever worried about anything in her entire life.

It wasn’t that her life was easy or without burden, she had lost her drivers license and her son made her give up her car recently.

She didn’t tell him what happen, but she told me she backed right out of her parking garage up over a median by accident, thankfully some bushes caught her.

She said her leg didn’t move when she asked it to, and she realized it wasn’t safe for her to be driving, you would think that would slow her down?

Instead she said that gave her all the more reason to redecorate the house because people will just have to start coming to her now!

I had never seen her bat an eye about anything, life just went on and she remained some how unattached to the whole thing, finding the light in everything.

Davien called up from the sink, announcing he could repair with a few simple items from the hardware store.

He said we had passed one on our way from the train and he would be happy to go by tomorrow when they reopened.

“We passed a hardware store?” I heard myself ask, he chuckled wringing his hands with the kitchen towel, lucky towel- I thought again.

“I assume you two will stay for dinner? I know we usually have desert first,” she said as she raised her cookie to me.

“Do you have a place to stay tonight?” She asked Davien. “Aunty,” I said, giving her a look as if to say it was none of our business.

“No Ma’am.” he replied, saying nothing else. “Well okay then it’s settled, you will stay the night as well, lucky us!” She said addressing the cat.

“And you little missy, if you think you are getting off that easy, don’t think I am fooled! I don’t want you taking the train home in the dark, ever.”

“I know aunty,” I patted her hand, “I would love to stay.” I felt a flood of relief over my body, sinking into the chair I closed my eyes for a breath.

Aunty asked for help with a few chores around the house, I knew she was just keeping us busy. And we were both happy to play along.

Night fell quickly; the days really were getting shorter. We decided to stay in for dinner- I always craved her home cooked meals.

I usually would beg for her marinara over fresh pasta, but my body wasn’t in the mood for anything tomato related.

She asked Davien to pop out for a few last-minute fixings, and I seized the chance to talk to her alone.

“Aunty!” I said, the second the front door clicked. “I haven’t even been able to talk to you all day,” I heard myself complain like a child.

“You brought the beau, honey,” she smiled, pulling out her gold embossed lighter and a joint, “have a smoke, it will help with your appetite.”

How did she know I had no appetite? I felt annoyed she could read me so well, yet that was why I was there, to be with someone who could see me under my cloak of invisibility.

“Fine,” I said, like a brat and took a small pull. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of weed to help with my nausea, as I felt the immediate calming of my tense stomach.

“Well don’t smoke it begrudgingly, this joint was rolled with love baby,” she said smirking, kissing the joint before she smoked it.

“I just don’t want to feel more self-conscious,” I whined. “Honey, the day weed makes you less self-conscious is the day you understand the medicine of the plant,” she taught.

“You’re right, I know, I know, I get it. I’ve just been-” I trailed off. What had I been? I couldn’t even say.

“Davien Judd,” I heard myself say, exhaling. “You know that translates to ‘beloved lord’?” Aunty asked, as she traced her finger through the smokey air.

“Only you would know these things!” I said and we both burst into laughter, oh it felt so good to laugh, my belly really needed this.

I sat there feeling the flow of the universes. Whoever was driving this spaceship needed to take it easy around the bends! I rested my hand on my belly.

“Does he know?” She asked, casually. “Huh? Know what?” I replied. She lowered her chin looking up at me, pointing with her joint she smoked circles around my belly.

“He is wonderful Essy, why haven’t you told him?” She asked. I felt myself crumble, “Baby girl, what is going on? You are making a miracle!” She exclaimed.

“I don’t care what anybody tells you, not even those voices in that pretty little head of yours,” she said tapping on my forehead as she kissed it.

“What you are doing only gods and women can do. You are creating the All, the I Am, the One.” She looked at me assuringly.

“And you can stay here anytime, so get that lonely look off your face, by the time baby comes you will have a pretty little place of your own, you will see,” she assured.

“Oh and forget about your fake job, you have always been above those conditions. The money will come another way so that you can be with baby, this most important,” she said.

“Repeat after me, ‘I am a beautiful goddess,’ right now out loud,” she turned staring into my eyes. “Well I can’t do it with you looking at me,” I giggled.

“Say it! Say it! Say it!” She chanted, bouncing us on the daybed. “Okay, okay, I am a beautiful goddess, happy?” I asked her.

“Yes, now we say, we see the miracle that is being created and we accept this quest with honor and strength, and I love you!”

“How far along are you and when are you going to tell him?” She asked, thumbing my cheek. “I’ve only just met him on the train,” I confessed.

“He showed up for you, and he would do anything for you. He is here to serve. Do you understand and feel this?” Aunty asked sincerely.

“I feel it all, I’ve never felt anything like this, but how do I tell someone I just met that…” again, I felt like I didn’t have the words.

No matter which way I put it, it didn’t sound right. “I just feel like he would be disgusted by me if he knew,” there I had said it out loud.

Wow, I thought I was disgusting? I was so ashamed of this thought, I burst into tears. “There are my salty friends,” she said, hugging me close.

“Okay, this is what we’re going to do: for just tonight, we’ll focus on the miracles only and let all the other thoughts rest where they are.”

“We’ll block out all the tomorrows, all the social programming, and we’re going to let our walls down and let him in, because why not?”

“He seems worthy of a nice dinner with some lovely company wouldn’t you say? And tomorrow, tomorrow we will sort through this together, deal?”

“We could not be luckier ladies, so tonight we cheers to us and to the beautiful day you’ve made me and I love you all very much!” She declared.

Ch 3.

I was about 8 weeks along, easily knowing the date of conception. I had only been with one man over the last three years.

I had a group of friends, several of whom were military. We attend events together and it was nice to meet up, but we really were just friends.

One of the guys in the group, I had gotten to know expressed interest in me. He wasn’t unattractive, I just didn’t feel any chemistry with him.

I knew he was deploying soon to Japan, for six years. I didn’t even own a passport and I had only been out-of-state once! So we both knew there were no strings attached.

After several drinks and everyone’s encouragement, we left a party together. I guess it felt nice to be wanted, but there was no real attraction.

He lived nearby with roommates, some of whom I knew, so it felt fine to go back to his place to hang for a bit. I didn’t want to be rude.

I don’t know how to explain the sex other than it felt almost robotic- nothing romantic, just our bodies going through motions, as if I wasn’t much a part of it.

I thought we had used protection, I remember him mumbling something, opening a wrapper and fumbling around but never actually looked.

Then he left for good, and I didn’t ask to keep in touch. Once I realized I had missed a couple of flow cycles, I felt like the military had struck again.

So that was it- so much of nothingness, and yet here I sat overwhelmingly full of a something-ness that was changing my entire life.

I’ve always felt I would be a mom; I just thought it would feel different, that I would be someone else, when I had a child.

It was this picture I had of the woman I would be someday, when it was ‘time’ to have my own family and I just wasn’t sure I was her, yet.

Davien returned with the final fixings for dinner and Aunty kindly cooked up everything she could think of to get some food in me.

Dinner floated by, everyone feeling their place, we all easily rounded the kitchen cooking, setting the table, eating, laughing and tidying together.

Sleeps spell fell over us, my full belly was ready to rest, so we all got sorted for the night. Davien quietly set up a spot to sleep on the floor in the tea room.

“Truly, I feel like a fraud, another man’s baby and him not knowing?” I whispered to her in the hall as she handed me some extra linens.

“I tell you what my love, whoever is in your pretty little head making you believe this negativity needs to be excused, and I mean it,” she declared to the space above my head.

“Now you are going to stretch out, put on these comfy pajamas, and get some rest. Tomorrow is a new day,” she reminded me.

“Don’t you think you’ve done enough today? You found him, didn’t you?” She motioned with her thumb towards the tea room.

I fell asleep in her daybed with tear-stained cheeks, apologizing to my womb for accusing her of betrayal and asking my baby for forgiveness.

The next morning, I was shocked to see it was 10:00 AM! I hadn’t slept this much in weeks, I actually felt rested, zombie mode disabled.

Aunty had made me a delicious night cap of hot water, apple cider vinegar, honey and lemon juice before bed. “It’s the heart burn keeping you up.” She had told me.

My boobs hurt with every step I took, squinting I popped down the hall needing to pee. The scent of coffee was a welcome one, I felt happy my belly was asking for food.

He was there, in a v-neck white undershirt, working on Aunty's sink. Why is it so sexy when men can fix things? I wondered sneaking by.

I managed a “Ciao” as I quickly closed the bathroom door behind me. I held my little belly as I peed, telling my baby it was a new day and we were in this together.

I twisted my hair into a bun, and used Aunty’s chopsticks to secure it. I splashed some water on my face and used a dab of her magenta lipstick to rouge my cheeks.

“Im so happy to see you this morning,” Davien said sweetly as I reappeared. “Your aunt left this morning, and I wasn’t sure you were still here.”

“How are you feeling?” He asked sincerely.  “Um, I feel fine.” I all of a sudden clammed up, remembering my secret.

“Where were you headed on the train yesterday?” I asked trying to sound casual, I realized I still didn’t know much about him.

“You know, it’s interesting. I wasn’t really going anywhere. I felt like the Universe told me to get on that train,” he chuckled, biting his lower lip.

I felt a yearning for him to say he knew it was to meet me so we could run off into the sunset together…

“I just returned from being away from home for a time- eight years, actually. I went to see my father, but there was no answer at his place.”

“I checked out a few of his usual spots, but its been so long, I fell out of touch and came up with nothing. Funny part is, I didn’t have a back up plan.” He shrugged.

“I thought I would spend some time with him. He had written me a few letters about getting old, that good ole fashioned Jewish guilt.” He said with a chuckle.

“You’re lucky to have family like this. It reminds me of what is possible and how nice it is to sit in a home kitchen.” He said motioning to the left over cookies.

“Nice to sit around with the people you love.” He trailed off, I could feel the word “love” echoing through my heart. Could a person be this open?

My parents were not the affectionate type. I had never heard them argue, but I also had never seen them act as anymore than roommates.

I liked that he went looking for his father. I wanted to ask about his mother, but I couldn’t bring myself to say the word.

“So, you are in the military?” I asked, “I am not. I’ve been honorably discharged due to medical reasons,” he replied looking at his feet.

I didn’t know what to say. This wasn’t anything I had seen coming. Maybe Aunty was right: those negative conversations in my head were just that- negative.

“I wasn’t prepared for my career there to end. But plans can change quickly, right?” He said rhetorically, “at least they train you for that too.”

“Luckily, I’m leaving with an engineering degree, and I am not short on job offers. Though I have felt unclear about where I wanted to end up.” He said.

To be clear, he was intelligent, studied, available, gorgeous and wait for it, out of the military? Was the military giving me a gift?

“Hi, kiddos!” Aunty smiled as she rolled in the door, her hands full of fabric rolls, “What’s all this for?” I asked, helping her unload a rainbow of sorts onto the kitchen table.

“Oh, just one of my ladies’ circles. We’re sewing this month and meeting tonight! Speaking of which, I made a reservation for you kids at Nancy’s Palace.”

“I thought you might want to pop out so the ladies and I could do our thing. Happy to have you back at eight,” she trailed off as she walked down the hall.

I saw Davien smirk. Looking at him, I asked, “You sure you’re good with this? She can be very bossy, you see,” my eyes were smiling.

“Pick you up at six?” He said, pulling a long sleeve over his head. “Where are you going?” I asked. “The hardware store. You want to come?” He replied.

“She’s got nothing better to do,” Aunty chimed from down the hall. “That woman!” I laughed, “Of course I’ll come.”

He held every door for me as we made our way out of the building and to the store, he gently touched his hand to my shoulder blade at each street crossing.

I felt his protective bubble all around me, I could just float around next to him and I wouldn’t get blown away. We even popped in the bakery for fresh glazed donuts.

It was like he knew his way around town, taking us directly to the hardware store, he said he had noticed it on our way from the train, I had no memory of such a store.

I was interested in how grand his small gestures felt, and also amazed that the graze of my shoulder blade could send chills down my spine. His touch lit me up.

The hardware store had what we needed. At checkout, he noticed me eyeing the bubble gum. Grabbing a pack, he set it on the counter, saying, “And a bubble gum for the lady.”

I blushed, feeling like the cashier thought something of me- a lady with a gentleman buying her bubblegum; I must not be that terrible after-all, I told myself.

Back at Aunty’s place, Davien went straight to his plumbing job. Aunty was busy circling up her tea room chairs and making mini sandwiches for the ladies coming.

I laid on the daybed, feeling safe and happy, this was more than I could have ever imagined, and I was looking forward dinner, which meant I had an appetite- yay!

Ch 4.

I must have dozed off because I woke up to Aunty sitting on the bed’s edge. “Hi, my sleeping beauty,” she said, brushing my hair across my forehead.

This gesture has always made me feel so loved. I cozied my forehead into her knee. “There’s a very handsome man in the living room ready for dinner, if you are?” She smirked.

I poked my head out of the room and saw Davien daydreaming by the window, scratching Mr. Mistofelees, who was enjoying the attention.

Davien wore a light blue sweater and jeans- my first time seeing him out of green. He looked like the truth, like a pool of pure potential.

Hearing me, he turned. “This is one happy cat. I don’t think he’ll let me walk away at this point,” he said chuckling, the cat was belly up and in full purring mode.

“Thought we could match,” he said with smiling eyes, motioning to my dress. I was still in my cobalt dress, not having packed a change of clothes.

“Awe sweet kittens,” Aunty chimed as she brought in a pitcher of her magic tea to the table. “Remind Nancy tonight that I’ll bring her sourdough on Tuesday.”

“Got it Aunty,” I assured. Nancy’s Palace was our favorite nearby Thai restaurant, Nancy was the owner, though I was fairly certain that was not her actual name.

We entered the restaurant and were greeted wholeheartedly by Nancy, “Hello, hello, you beautiful people! Come in, come in! I save best table for you!”

“Oh so tall and handsome, this man a good one!” Nancy said very loudly laughing, “Oh he strong too!” She said, flexing her arms.

We didn’t even have to order, Nancy already had the food coming. “On your Aunty’s tab,” she winked as us both.

I started to think these winking ladies were in on something. ‘The witches are a brewing!’ I could hear Aunty saying in my head.

“I’ve been thinking about how we met,” Davien began. “I wanted to apologize again for bumping into you.”

There it was, he had admitted it, he wished he hadn’t met me. The mean voices were saying they told me so, I felt triggered.

I held my breath as he continued, “If I had the courage to just say ‘hello’ to you, it wouldn’t have happened,” he confessed.

“From the moment I stepped on the train I noticed you, I hadn’t seen anything so soft and beautiful in years.” He thoughtfully nodded his head, agreeing with his statement.

Sensing my surprise, he added, “You have to realize that after you have lived in a metal shipping container in a desert for a while…” He trailed off.

“Anyways, I am sure you get all sorts of attention.” He said. I didn’t know how to respond, luckily the food began arriving, nothing like a hot spring roll to save the day!

We both happily got busy eating, I told him “Fat and Happy” was Aunty’s favorite motto, and after this meal, we would both be just that!

I was relieved not to talk much more, as I felt the pressure to “just tell him everything,” weighing on the tip of my tongue.

Nancy came by the table as our leftover boxes were piled high. “This is too kind,” I told her, “It was an absolutely pleasure to dine with you Miss Nancy.”

“Please, your Aunty’s magic sourdough is worth it,” she insisted. “Oh yes, bread on Tuesday,” Davien chimed in. “Perfect, now go get this lady some ice cream ya?” Nancy ordered.

“Yes Ma’am,” Davien bowed politely. Pulling out my chair, he took my hand, and we walked out to the curb. The night had fallen and made the city aglow.

“Getting ready for the holidays,” I motioned to some twinkle lights on a fire escape. “They’re beautiful.” Davien said looking in my eyes.

Suddenly feeling very aware of us holding hands, I felt a hot flash come over me, “So what’s your ice cream order?” He asked as we started strolling.

I blanked, I had just gotten slingshot to another dimension with his look, and now he wanted to talk about ice cream?

“Vanilla,” I half-answered. “Just vanilla?” He asked. I still didn’t answer, I knew I wanted rainbow sprinkles, but my hand in his, I could only do one thing at a time.

“Any toppings?” He asked smiling, I felt like he noticed the affect he was having on me.“Rainbow sprinkles and a waffle cone, please.” I swallowed.

Then I heard the mean voice chime in telling me I should have ordered something more sophisticated, like butterscotch pecan, in a dish, like a lady.

“That is the cutest order ever,” he said, lifting my hand to his lips, kissing my finger tips. I nearly melted.

Yeah, take that, mean voices! He likes me the way I am! I silently yelled to my unhelpful thoughts as we arrived at the ice cream window.

I was tickled hearing Davien place our order. “The lady and I will have two vanilla waffle cones with rainbow sprinkles, if you would, kind Sir.” He said to the teenager taking orders.

Placing his coins on the counter he turned and grinned at me.  If it was this easy to make me feel so special, than why had I never felt this way before?

Our cones popped out the pick up window and we each got to licking. “Look,” he started.

“I know you think you don’t know me.”

“It is like I have just appeared, like a true magician. But, I have to just believe that everything happens for a reason, ‘There are no coincidences, DJ.’

“This was my mother’s favorite saying. And I believe it to be true. There were too many twists in my road to land me here, enjoying this ice cream, with you.”

“I can’t even tell you the last time I had ice cream! I think this is the best ice cream cone I have ever eaten!” He exclaimed.

I could feel how high flying he was, I was loving every minute of it, until I felt like I was about to ruin it with what I wanted to share with him.

“I felt incredibly annoyed yesterday when I couldn’t track down my father, I was surprised I hadn’t considered it as an outcome.”

“I didn’t know where to direct my compass and I felt like I was just spinning when I turned and stepped onto your train.”

“I even attempted to walk right past you and the universe entangled us, I believe it was meant to happen and I hope that makes you feel excited and not scared.” He said.

It felt more like a question than a statement. “I don’t quite know what I feel. I’ve been feeling so much that I haven’t had time to process it all.” I responded.

It was the truth I didn’t know my head from my arse at the moment and while I wanted to believe in this magic, I also knew he didn’t have all the information.

It felt like there would never be a better time to just tell him than now “Okay,” I prepared myself with a breath. “I need to tell you something that might make you not like me.”

“Something happened a couple months ago,” I began. “It was an okay thing; no one got hurt and everyone knew what they were doing…”

“Okay?” he questioned, listening intently. I could tell he had no idea what I was talking about. Why was I so awkward? Honestly, I felt ridiculous.

“Well, I was with another man…” I continued. “In some ways, I’m still with him, or he is still with me.” He paused, looking at me. “Are you married?”

“No never, I am not. No husbands” I reassured him, he looked like he was going to faint for a moment. Oh my gosh, I was really screwing this up.

He saw a look in my eyes, and I realized I had a hand on my little belly. No words were coming to my lips. We both just stood there, breathing for a moment.

He chuckled, pulling me into him, and kissed my forehead. Lifting his ice cream to the stars, he declared, “Always Believe!”

Okay, I thought. So I’ve told him, right? He knows and is cool with it? I don’t have to say the ‘p’ word, right? Because, I certainly didn’t feel ready to.

We got back to Aunty’s building, and passed a few giggling sewing circle ladies in the stairwell. They definitely looked like they were up to something!

A few ladies were busy packing up in the tea room as we entered. “Look at you, you gorgeous kids!” My Aunty exclaimed, swooping in for a squeeze, smelling like honey whiskey.

I slipped down the hall to the bathroom, hearing the ladies chatting with Davien. I hoped I hadn’t left him to the wolves!

Alone in the bathroom, I stared at my reflection. “He knows, right? Always believe?” I asked myself, sounding unsure.

Davien had the ladies hooting and hollering about something, he really does have it all I thought as the last lady slipped out the door, him closing it gently behind her.

“What a gentleman, ehhh?” Aunty said, elbowing me a little too hard. “How was the Palace? Nancy treat you well? Did you eat an egg roll for me?” She asked.

Her Cheshire Cat grin was wide. “Must you always be up to something?” I asked her. “Oh honey, if somebody has got to do it, it might as well be me!”

She walked off with her hands up in the air humming, she paused, dancing with someone in the hallway. I looked up and caught Davien’s eye from the tea room.

He was returning the furniture for Aunty, the chairs seemed weightless in his hands, he smirked at me and nodded. I nodded back.

Sitting on the daybed I could hear his every move, amazing that I knew what the sound of a sweater being pulled off sounded like.

I was looking intently at the wall willing it to become invisible so I could actually watch him, though I have to say my imagination was doing a pretty good job of it.

I heard his every step walk towards the room and then past it, the bathroom door handle clicked and the faucet squawked as he turned the shower on.

A rustle came from Aunty’s room, I poked my head in her doorway calling for her. “I’m in here my love,” she said from her closet.

Aunty’s walk-in closet was the size of most bedrooms, you could get lost in her shelves, every box was plain white and nothing had labels.

She alone knew what was in each box. “Putting anything in a box for storage was already painful enough,” she told me, “can you imagine labeling it too?”

I took a deep breath and starred quietly at her, “Aunty, give me your hand, are you good, what are you looking for?” I slowly helped her off the ground.

“I was only just trying to turn the light on, I missed the string and zip, right over I went!” She said laughing at herself.

I reached up and pulled on the light, she pointed at a step stool and I drug it to her. She popped up the two little steps and shimmied out a small box.

Inside the white box was a metal box. It looked very serious and industrial. “It’s from your brother,” she said, holding the box towards me.

I froze, I didn’t want to take it, it felt like the last piece of something and if I had it now I wouldn’t have it in the future.

“Your brother mailed this to my address before he…” She trailed off. “He told me to give this to you when it made sense to.”

The box felt like ice as she placed it in my hands. I carried the box back to the daybed, holding my breath as I popped open its clips.

“Essy,” a letter sat atop a few larger white envelopes. Feeling the rest of the world around me drop away, I slipped my finger under the seal.

I pulled out the letter gently, feeling I was undoing one of the last acts of my brother. I didn’t have anything of his that I could think of, only some childhood photos.

My brother had died overseas after being on a ship for many months, he had tripped on a metal door frame in the ships galley during a storm.

He was off-duty and in his gym clothes with his legs bare, the fall broke the skin on his shin and though he didn’t bruise much he got an infection.

Thinking he was just sea sick along with half the crew due to choppy seas, his sepsis went unnoticed and he left us all too quickly.

I blamed ‘them’ for taking him twice. The first when I was 10 and he enlisted, I cried for a month, and the second his death. I was still crying.

My brother was eight years older than me and had always been my protector, taking me everywhere with him, never caring what his friends thought.

I used to be proud to be introduced as his “kid sister.” Keeping quiet, I loved to listen to the older kids chatting, I soaked up every second of it.

I never wanted to be left home with our parents, and at 10 years old it felt like I got left in the dust when he left. How was I supposed to navigate life without him?

This box, this letter. It all seemed so final, how could all of that energy in a person come down to just this? The world seemed unjust.

I felt a flash of annoyance Aunty hadn’t given it to me sooner, yet I knew divine right order was indeed a law she adhered to.

The note was simple, “Dear Essy, if you are opening this box, it’s because you are ready for something bigger than yourself.”

“You were always the favorite part of my day, and I couldn’t handle being apart. Not being there to watch over you killed me.”

Did he have to use that word? I held back from loudly sobbing as tears streamed down my face, the note read on;

“The remainder of the contents of this box are for ‘him.’ I know it doesn’t make sense now, but I promise you wont be mad in the end.”

What? I thought, this little letter is all there is for me? I was ready for something so much deeper and here I felt shafted.

How did he know there was a ‘him?’ Would Aunty have given me this box if Davien wasn’t here? What if she had and there was no ‘him?’

I burst into Aunty’s room clutching my letter. “Did you know about this?” I asked accusingly, knowing inside my anger was misplaced.

“Honey, what is it?” She asked as I slid into her bed. “I am supposed to give that box to Davien.” I cried, showing her the letter.

“Oh my love, we must honor spirits wishes.” She hugged my head. “Where is the box now?” She asked, “I left it on the living room chair with a note for Davien.”

Ch 5.

I woke up in bed next to Aunty, hugging her like a koala. I must have fallen asleep crying- what else was new?

The sky was still dark, and I felt emotionally exhausted. I got up to pee and relocate to the daybed and as I passed by the tea room felt empty.

Coming around the corner, I saw he was packed up and gone. The box was gone, the bags were gone, his boots, all gone.

I knew it, I thought. I told him the truth, and he ran. Why had I not looked through the box myself? Why had I just so easily passed it over?

What was I thinking? Who knows what was in that box and now I will never know because a complete stranger stole it.

I wanted to wake up Aunty to tell her about my crisis, but I felt I had to deal with it until she was up herself, this drama felt so intense.

By the time she woke up, I was spiraling. I had put on one of her robes and was flying around the house like a proper crazy lady.

“I knew we shouldn’t have given him that box! I knew I shouldn’t have told him about my ‘condition.’ He took off, Aunty! I knew he would!”

“Woah, woah, woah,” Aunty said, pulling me in for a hug, she looked over my shoulder and saw the tea room cleared out.

“Did he take the box?” She asked looking calmly at me. “He did, and now I’ll never know what was in it.” I said, shaking in her arms.

“Okay Mamas, you need to come sit and eat a bite.” Aunty said, walking me to the kitchen table. She turned on the kettle and stove top.

“Remember yesterday afternoon when you were napping and Davien was fixing the sink?” She asked. “Yes, of course I remember Aunty, what’s the point?” I asked, sharply.

She gave me a look with her eye brows raised, I tried to drop my attitude. “You want to know what that sweet boy told me? Well, do ya?” She asked poking me.

Was she going to make me beg? “Tell me!” I said, chuckling from the poke. “Well, remember we were talking about us all needing to be kinder and thankful for our bodies?”

I nodded. “Davien said he felt his body had betrayed him, leading him to an early discharge. He was very invested in his work, and this came as a shock to him.”

“It was like he had to leave his family behind and come back to a world he was no longer familiar with, in a body that he no longer trusted.”

“His body was injured in an explosive training exercise. He was cornered by the explosion and being that he was in a metal locker the blast hit him, bouncing off the walls from all angles.”

“Not only would the doctors not clear him for duty, they also told him he most likely couldn’t have a family someday. A diagnosis he was most struggling with.”

“The most interesting part? Davien said he felt the spirit of a child close to him, and he didn’t understand why.”

“Did you tell him you were making a baby for him yet?” She asked with that sparkle in her eye. “Oh my gosh, Aunty! What is happening?!” I exclaimed.

I felt traumatized, unsure which way was up or down. I walked to the window, watching the sidewalk, praying for a flash of army green.

“Well, what did you tell him?” I asking, spinning around I realized I needed more answers. “I told him this was a spiritual journey for both he and the child.”

“He expressed concerns for misleading a young woman into a relationship knowing his, supposive, infertility,” she reported.

“So all this time, you’ve been damning your experience, and here you could be the perfect fit and blessing for this man- a glue for his cracks,” she smiled.

I couldn’t believe this news and felt unsure about knowing this now without him having been the one to tell me. He felt a baby close to him? Did he actually?

All I had been doing was pushing my baby away from me, as far out of my mind as possible, I wanted to forget about everything.

Here we were, both thinking Aunty was talking directly to us about our bodies. I sat there shaming mine while he sat there just the same? I remembered the look on his face.

The mean voices were lying to us telling us we were damaged goods with nothing to offer the other, when all there seemed to be was wanting.

All I wanted more than anything was to be with him right now, if this was all true than where was he? And why had I not looked through that box!

The day dragged on and on, Aunty had front row tickets to the show as I processed every scenario and emotion possible.

I had lost my appetite again. Aunty tried to talk me into staying, saying she could draw me a warm salt bath, but I didn’t accept.

I couldn’t watch out the window any longer and decided being a sitting duck was just not working for me.

I pulled on my cherry peacoat, remembering Davien picking it up off the train floor. I shook the image out of my head and grabbed the door handle.

As I opened the door, there he was with his hand up ready to knock. “Does that always happen here?” He asked with a grin.

Stunned, I stumbled backwards a few steps as Aunty hollered over my shoulder, “Let the man in!” He bent down and wrestled with his boots.

Not feeling I had any business asking him where he had been, I remained silent and stunned. Another outer body experience!

“I opened the box you left,” he said. I nodded. “It was from your brother,” he continued. “I know,” I replied, sounding annoyed.

“Well, there were instructions in the box to go see a man about a key. I couldn’t imagine what the key was for, but I recognized the address mentioned.”

“The address was to a military building I had been before. They granted me access with my military ID, and I found the man mentioned- he’s an Admiral now.”

This meant nothing to me, but Davien said it like it was a good thing. “I told him I was reporting on behalf of your brother, and the Admiral’s face lit up.”

“He seemed happy to see I was a soldier but he was sure to grill me for a while. He told me your brother had very specific requests.”

“Requests about what?” I interrupted. My Aunty shot me a ‘button it up’ look, I had been getting a lot of those lately.

“Your brother, he wanted to leave you a piece of him so you would always feel connected, and he hoped you would like what he had in mind.”

“The Admiral told me to take you to this address, and you would know why you were supposed to go there, does this ring any bells?” He asked, handing me a yellow sticky note.

There was a key taped to the note, it had a round barrel and did not look like a typical house key. The address, on the Jersey shore.

It didn’t ring any bells specifically, though this was where our family used to vacation in the summers and I did remember our last summer there.

Davien had a light in his eyes, and so did my Aunty. Here I had been ready to run away from all of this magic, even moments early, ready to run!

Did I not think I deserved this all? Did I not think I was worthy of meeting a man who adored me and who would want me through thick or thin, literally?

“You can take Tubbie, she could use a good ride” Aunty chimed in, it was her neighbors VW bug she was offering and I wasn’t sure if she was talking about me or the car!

Davien looked giant in little Tubbie, but he couldn’t have been cuter. It was a smooth shot down the Garden State Parkway, it took us exactly 2 hours and 22 minutes to arrive!

It was easy to get around in the small beach town with the streets all numbers. We rolled up on a corner lot surrounded by a high chain-link fence.

I paused looking around, nothing seemed familiar. As I rounded the corner, I glanced up to see an old peeling wooden sign.

“Ohhh I know this place,” I said, getting Davien’s attention. “This was the mini-golf and ice cream stand my brother used to bring me to!” I exclaimed.

“What in the world are we supposed to do here? It’s been closed for a long time, looks abandoned.” I said, peering through the fence.

There was a big, old-fashioned lock hanging from the gate that kept catching my eye, “I bet that key is going to open this lock,” I said, feeling excitement.

I rustled the key out of my cherry coat pocket and watched as Davien easily clicked open the bolt and dragged the gate open just enough for us to pop through.

Davien pulled a long white envelope from his jacket and handed it to me, I recognized it from the box. “I was supposed to give you this once we figured out what the key was for.”

I took the envelope and pealed it open. The first line I read, “Essy, don’t be mad at me.” I laughed, shaking my head as I read on.

“This was our happy place as kids. When I got a signing bonus, I knew what to do with it. They were going to tear this place down, and I couldn’t let that happen.”

“I know this might not be your dream, and you can do what you want with the place. There’s a white cottage on the lot that’s very livable.”

“Now that you have a handyman, he’ll be sure to fix it up should you decide to stay. Or sell it all. The hotels want the lot, so there’s money to be made as well.

“I want you to know that my spirit is here with you now, and you have never been alone. This is your life, kid. Do what will make you most happy!”

As I went to close the note, tears streamed down my cheeks, a photo slipped from the envelope drifting to the ground.

Davien gently picked it up. It was a polaroid of me at eight years old, standing proudly with my golf club and my vanilla ice cream cone topped with rainbow sprinkles.

I couldn’t believe it. I was shaking like a leaf, as I looked around the lot, it all came to life, kids getting ice cream, golf balls flying, memories being made.

“If you want to keep it, I will rebuild it,” Davien said earnestly, handing me the polaroid. “I believe you,” I replied, touching his hand.

I didn’t feel afraid for him to really see me in that moment and for the first time I felt like I wanted him to truly see into my heart and soul.

Smiling, he brushed my hair from my forehead, there was that loving move, he titled my chin up with his thumb he pressed his lips hard against mine.

I felt breath flood into my lungs, I felt like I knew what it was to truly breathe in that moment. Shooting off to space together, spinning around we went!

The nesting Mama in me was only interest in the little white cottage, it had hardwood floors and beautiful wooden built-ins. There was even a small stained glass window in the kitchen!

“Well it is good timing, off-season, plenty of time to work on the course and get the place fixed up for summer!” Davien assured.

Before we knew it, we were moved in and Christmas had arrived. We hung twinkle lights and baked snickerdoodle cookies.

I had never felt “fatter and happier” than I did sitting with my little belly by our tree. “How did we get so lucky?” I asked my belly.

I declared once and for all that those mean voices were never to be trusted again as they had done everything possible to keep me from experiencing this magic.

Aunty came for a holiday meal, bringing with her a gift from the sewing circle. I unwrapped it carefully to find a gorgeous rainbow tapestry, that read, “Always Believe,” in golden thread.

Davien winked at me as I read it out loud, this is what he had shouted to the sky that night we got ice cream, how would Aunty know this?

Our baby was born at home on the Fourth of July, with fireworks lighting up the sky, we felt the whole world was celebrating us!

My brother was surely present when our son was born, as Davien held him for the first time I heard him lovingly call him his “little birdie,” a nickname that stuck.

We reopened the mini-golf course and ice cream stand the following summer.  Who knew how much work babies could be!

Davien proudly built a new wooden sign for our mini-golf course, taking the baby and I out for the big reveal, the sign read, “Ice Cream on the Green,” and could not have been more perfect!